A never ending love of a friend.

     Once there was this girl who used to be my all time best buddy. A girl who I used to be with all the time. The only girl who I really wanted that time. We spent times, days, and weeks together. We shared priceless moments and tough times having each other's back. We are bonded by the strong foundation of friendship we built. As the time passes, I've learned to love her. I unintentionally loved her. She learned it unintentionally too. We both confessed the hidden feelings inside us that burst out that very moment.

     But sadly, it didn't work. Yes, we started to feel awkward. It seems like we're total strangers and we don't even know each other's existence. It really made me sad. We lost our friendship to give way for love. But it ruined everything. I don't know if it is a blessing of falling in love or a curse of falling apart. All I know is I love her. I still love her. Although I know that I wasn't really for her and she was for someone she deserves.

     All this time, since the day we settled apart, I am waiting for her to say:

"Mykz! Best friend! Miss na kita. Masaya ako sa'yo eh. Oh ano? Bang-drama ko?" 

     But she never did.

     Yes. I chose to be stupid.

     We're happy now but not like when we were still the best of friends before. I know that she's never coming back and she's not for me. I know the fact, but never tried to accept it, I never did. I keep on holding, hoping, asking, desiring, and dreaming, I did everything to convince myself that I am loved by someone I love. I was alone inside the four corners of my mind. The fifth chamber of my heart. Where all the happy memories are kept. Where illusions are visible and my imaginations conquer all. Where the truth was never believed. A specially made room for her.

     I know that it's foolish to expect for nothing, but, if I sealed my heart, will I ever smile once more? If I close the doors of my heart, will I hear her knocking? If I lost what I feel, will I still know what love is? Is it foolish to look forward and seek a happy ending? Maybe it is, but this makes me feel satisfied, I am hurting but at least I am not numb.

     It really hurts when I knew everything about her from a friend. That she is already happy with some other guy. The guy I always teased her. My fantasies broke down into pieces. Everything turned black and white. My chest complained in pain that makes my eyes heavy and full. Really. I really want to cry but I can't. Maybe there is something inside me pulling all the tears back. I hear my voice, but I disowned it. But I can still hear the voice of myself clearly talking to me and for the first time, I listened to it.

     I have come to realized that still, friendship is the highest form of love. For there are no break ups, it will strengthen our bond some more, and will never lose each other for sure. It's funny that I have been through this kind of emotional pain without having an official relationship with her. But at least I learned the lesson from it and this makes me a better person, a better friend now. I won't let the same incident scratch the scars on my heart and make it bleed once more. I will never put our friendship at risk now and forever because I know, this is one of the most important commitment in our lives. To be a friend to each other.

     I no longer need to wear a false smile because I now have the reason to wear the real one. Now, there's an ending to my fairytale-like story. But unlike Alladin that ends happily ever after with Jasmine, mine is sadly different. It ends letting go saying:

     I loved my best friend.

     I love my best friend.

    And I will continue loving my best friend for the rest of my life and until I hear her with a Choco-rhumble saying:

"Mykz! Best friend! Miss na kita. Masaya ako sa'yo eh. Oh ano? Bang-drama ko?" 

-Micoe L. Roxas

January 11, 2008

6:03 PM (Friday)